


feelings

by QueeryDearyDiary



Category: (여자)아이들 | (G)I-DLE, K-pop
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, One Shot, Shuhua doesn't know her, Vulnerability? Who is She?, i'm probably going to not write again until the next century, she meets her sooner than she wants to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:00:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24747211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueeryDearyDiary/pseuds/QueeryDearyDiary
Summary: Shuhua doesn't like dealing with her feelings especially when they revolve around one Cho Miyeon.
Relationships: Cho Miyeon/Yeh Shuhua
Comments: 4
Kudos: 97





	feelings

“I don't understand why you hate me so much?”

Truth be told, Shuhua didn’t understand either.

“Is it really terrible to admit that you might like me?”

_ No. _

“Or are you afraid of what the others will think?”

_ No. Not at all. _

“Do you even care about how I feel at all?.”

_ Of course I do, I just... _

“Whatever Shuhua, I'm leaving. I won’t stop you from running this time.”

_ Don't go... please. _

Regardless of what Shuhua thought, she stood still, watching Miyeon walk away from her. 

Shuhua thought she was doing the right thing in pushing Miyeon away. She was trying to protect herself. Her feelings. All the attention and affection that Miyeon gave her was just skinship for the fans. Nothing more. It couldn't be anything beyond that. Just like with her and Yuqi or her and Soojin. There were no feelings attached to every hand held and every failed kiss attempt.

So why... why did Shuhua feel something every time Miyeon glanced her way? Why did she feel jealous all those times Miyeon hung around Soojin unnie or laughed with Minnie unnie? And why did Shuhua feel the tinge of guilt seeing Miyeon's face after she ran from her?

It's all too much for Shuhua to think about.

So, she does what she does best. Avoid Miyeon and ignore all her feelings for her as much as possible.

—

Her plan didn't last very long considering she had to eventually return to her shared dorm with Soojin and Miyeon. Despite how anxious she felt upon seeing Miyeon after their one-sided conversation, she was welcomed home by the smell of seaweed soup made by her favorite unnie in the whole wide world.

“Jinjin-ah you are the best unnie in the whole wide world!” Shuhua wrapped her arms around Soojin as she turned off the stove and finished up stirring.

Soojin rolled her eyes playfully, “Yes I know, now go get yourself a bowl.” The younger girl was always overly affectionate with her, not that she entirely minded it, though. But, Soojin always thought Shuhua’s affections towards her were a little misplaced. She doesn’t dwell on it too much, but she could tell that Shuhua usually had an underlying motive to wager the attention of another member in their group. One Cho Miyeon to be exact. 

Shuhua grabbed a bowl and spoon, and Soojin scooped the soup to serve Shuhua before serving herself one as well. They sat together at the small dining table and Shuhua began slurping soup before she realized one of the chairs at their table was empty.

“Jinjin, where's Miyeon unnie?” Shuhua questioned, secretly praying that she wouldn't have to encounter their eldest unnie anytime soon.

“She said she was going over to Minnie's dorm tonight. Something about rehearsing for the next duo performance...” Soojin replied. Shuhua mentally released a sigh of relief before grasping Soojin's hand.

“So... we get the place to ourselves?” Shuhua raised her brow suggestively.

Soojin can't help to roll her eyes again at the girl's overt flirtation as she pulled her hand away and shoved Shuhua lightly, “No, you get the dorm to yourself. Soyeon asked me to come record a track for her after dinner.”

“Oh.” Shuhua tried to hide her disappointment. She really didn't want to be alone with her thoughts...or feelings tonight. “When do you think you're coming back?”

“Probably after you pass out.” Soojin finished up her soup and went to wash her dishes at the kitchen sink. She turned her head over to Shuhua who seemed to be playing with her soup. “Try not to crawl into my bed like you usually do.”

Shuhua perked up again before looking back at Soojin, “I make no promises!” She gave Soojin her most mischievous smile and the older girl could only smile back at her maknae as she walked back over to the table. 

“Of course. But how about you fall asleep in Miyeon's bed? I'm sure she will be glad to cuddle with you all night.” Soojin's smile turned into a smirk at her own comment. She enjoyed watching the gay panic in Shuhua’s eyes. 

_ What's that supposed to mean? _

Soojin drew Shuhua out of her thoughts with a quick kiss on her forehead. “I'm heading out. Don't forget to wash your dishes!” And with that Shuhua was alone. Again.

—

Surprisingly, Shuhua kept her promise this time around. She had showered, threw on her pajamas, and curled up in her own bed, now having time to catch up on her K-dramas. Although she was watching the show, her mind kept drifting off to Miyeon's questions and her own. 

It's true that Shuhua doesn't harbor hate for Miyeon. No, that's not what she feels for her at all. If anything, Shuhua always felt her heart beat a little harder when Miyeon looked at her only to be surrounded by warmth when Miyeon quickly wrapped her arms around her. Comfort. Contentment. But then she always felt something that shook her out of ease, always pressuring her out of Miyeon’s arms - the fear of  _ vulnerability _ . 

The word itself made Shuhua want to escape. She couldn't deny that being around Miyeon made her want to be vulnerable. To open up about everything that she had ever felt for Miyeon, including the emotion that Shuhua could only describe as adoration and annoyance all wrapped together. When Shuhua’s with Miyeon, she felt all too safe. Safe enough to confess that she had a crush on her ever since she first met her. Safe enough to give Miyeon her whole heart. 

Shuhua just couldn’t have that. It was completely unprofessional. It was fine when Miyeon was running around in her mind while they were trainees, but now that they were in their second year as (G)I-DLE, Shuhua had to try harder to subvert her urges to kiss the older girl for the sake of their friendship and the success of their group. She thought that it would hurt the group’s future to even think about pursuing something with Miyeon, so she built up walls to protect her from exposing herself to the older girl. Shuhua came to Korea to fulfill her dreams, not to fall in love with someone who  _ might  _ like her back.

It seemed that Shuhua tired herself out with her thoughts, so she turned off her lights and her K-drama that had finished its episode, though Shuhua most likely had to rewatch it considering she wasn’t paying attention to the show for the past hour. She was about to fall asleep until she remembered Soojin's one request.

“Shit, I need to wash my dishes.” Shuhua hopped out of her cozy bed and shuffled to the kitchen sink where she left her dirty dishes. She finished drying the bowls and utensils and was about to crawl back to bed when she heard the door click open. 

Shuhua poked her head past the kitchen to peek at which unnie came back. She hoped that Soojin had finished early so that she could convince her to let her sleep in her bed tonight. She also hoped that it wasn’t Miyeon as part of her mission was to avoid her for as long as possible.

But alas, not all dreams come true. Miyeon hung her coat and keys up, as she looked towards the kitchen light, releasing a sigh as she watched a quiet, retreating Shuhua stub her toe on the way back to her room. 

“Fuck!” Shuhua dramatically grasped the wall next to her and her stubbed toe that evidently looks normal, even though Shuhua was acting as if she had just been shot.

“Shuhua, are you okay?” Miyeon rushed to Shuhua's side as soon as she heard the younger one yelp. The feeling of worry for her maknae overwhelmed her.

“I'm fine!” Shuhua's teary eyes said otherwise. She was mentally screaming at herself to calm down so that she wouldn't be forced to appear vulnerable in front of Miyeon. This was not part of her plan at all. 

“You don't look fine.” Shuhua looked up to see the concern in Miyeon's eyes. Although Shuhua had consistently hurt her, Miyeon couldn't help but still care for her maknae. Her gaze made Shuhua feel the nagging emotion she usually felt when Miyeon was this close to her.

“I said I'm fine!” Shuhua growled out a little more harsh than she intended.

Miyeon was taken aback but her concern still remained, “Okay. Let me just walk you to your room then.”

Shuhua didn't disagree this time. Without another word, she wrapped one arm around Miyeon's shoulder, while the older girl wrapped her own arm around Shuhua's waist. She helped Shuhua limp her way back to bed with her toe still throbbing with pain. 

Miyeon tucked the younger girl in before taking a seat on her bed, and for the moment, Miyeon just stared at her, as if she was waiting for Shuhua to say something. Anything.

“Thank you, unnie,” was all Shuhua could muster up. 

“No problem. That's what friends are for.” Shuhua sensed the false sentiments in Miyeon's statement.

_ Friends. Yeah, of course.  _

Shuhua knew the Miyeon was still hurting from earlier and that she should apologize, but she was struggling to take the initiative.

Miyeon still stared, grasping the bed sheets beneath her, waiting for the younger girl to respond. In retrospect, her anger from their last conversation was still simmering, but she wanted to patiently wait for Shuhua to tell her what she needed to hear. Time kept passing by, and Miyeon realized it was better to pretend nothing was wrong between them. She stared long enough until she watched Shuhua close up her shell again. It was a lost cause. Miyeon shook her head and stood up abruptly, ready to make her way towards the door. That was when Shuhua decided to speak up again.

“Wait! Don't leave yet,” Shuhua grabbed Miyeon's hand to stop her from going any further. She sat up, tossing the blanket aside, as she spoke her next words, “I want to say I'm sorry.”

“What for?” Miyeon was playing dumb. for Shuhua's sake. And for her own, too.

“For earlier...for not speaking up.” Shuhua looked down at her hand still holding Miyeon's, anything to avoid Miyeon's gaze. “I think that we should talk.”

“There's nothing to talk about.” Shuhua finally looked up to see the frustration in Miyeon's eyes. There was so much Miyeon was saying to her with her eyes alone. 

Shuhua saw the  _ hurt,  _ but she also saw  _ forgiveness,  _ given if Shuhua spoke truthfully this time around. “There is. I don't hate you.” Shuhua paused to breathe, giving her a chance to muster up her courage to confess to Miyeon properly, “The truth is, I like you...”

Miyeon almost forgave her but then she reminded herself of Shuhua's earlier efforts, “Is that why you decided to run away after I kissed you?” Only now could Shuhua feel the anger seething from her words accompanied by disbelief in her eyes. Miyeon let go of Shuhua's hand, and stood up as she crossed her arms, expecting a reply from the younger girl. She continued to glare down at Shuhua who tried to grab her hand again out of nervousness. Upon failing to regain her grasp, Shuhua’s hand retreated in her lap.

Shuhua could feel herself building up her walls, preparing for this next battle. And of course, Miyeon was ready to pull out every attack to tear them down. She took a deep breath before firing off at Shuhua.

“You know it's not fair that I have to watch you flirt with other girls in an attempt to make me jealous, when I know you can't look me in the eye for more than two seconds!”

_ Her walls were being attacked. _

“It's not fair that we keep playing this game of cat and mouse just to dance around how we feel about each other.”

_ They were all coming down. _

“It's not fair that I tell you how I feel and you just get to ignore them as if they mean nothing to you. like I mean nothing to you...”

_She couldn't fight much longer._

“And it's not fair that every time we get the chance to be truthful to each other, you pull away, absolutely terrified of what we could be.”

Silence surrounded the room. What was left of Shuhua's walls collapsed into rubble after Miyeon fired away, leaving Shuhua to only surrender with tears rolling down her face. When Shuhua finally stood up to meet Miyeon on the same battleground, she saw the other girl was crying too. 

“Miyeon, I love you.” Shuhua relinquished all the defenses she had and left heart out in the open. 

There was no more fighting, only Miyeon to witness the younger girl at the frontlines who was processing and accepting the inevitable emotions that enveloped her. Miyeon awaited Shuhua, still stuck on the three words that fell from the other girl’s mouth. Her tears had seized just as her attacks had. 

Shuhua collected herself, taking a deep breath before spewing out her thoughts, “I admit that I  _ do  _ like you, I really really do. And yes, I admit that even though I push you away as hard as I could, I still tried to make you jealous so that you would still pay attention to me. I just love to see you jealous because I knew that would mean something, but I still chose to deny it. I've liked you for so long, but I was just so scared of changing everything... of ruining what we had by telling you how I felt, and I didn't even realize you had - and hopefully still have - feelings for me, too.”

“Why then? Why do you keep running away?” Miyeon had to ask. As relieved as she was to know that Shuhua shared the same feelings for her as she did, she had yet to completely forgive her.

Shuhua closed her eyes, unable to hold herself together as she cried out, “I'm sorry, unnie! I’m sorry I ran away from you. When you kissed me, I was scared of what it all meant, so I did what I did best… B-but, I didn't mean to hurt you or push you away! I really care about you a-and I was just being unfair and stupid and ignoring how much I love you because I t-thought it was b-better for the both of us if I...” She couldn't blabber on any further as her words turned to sobs. 

After hearing Shuhua’s confession, Miyeon couldn’t help but release a little laugh, cracking a smile at the younger girl. Seeing Shuhua so absorbed in her volatile emotions made Miyeon realize how hard it must’ve been for her to drown in all of them for the past few years. She had been wondering why Shuhua kept wanting to escape from her and now she knew the younger girl was just trapped within her walls of gay panic that she had to break free. She found it all too adorable. All of this (gay) _ mess  _ happened just because Shuhua liked her back. 

Miyeon pulled the younger girl in a hug as Shuhua continued to cry on her shoulder. Shuhua had thrown her arms around Miyeon’s neck while Miyeon held her head and waist, both of them delving deep into each other’s warmth. 

As soon as Miyeon heard her cries subsiding, she pulled back. She took hold of Shuhua's face with one hand, wiping the fallen tears with her thumb before pulling the younger girl into a stormy kiss, pouring out all of her emotions that only Shuhua could drown herself in. And maybe, Miyeon was drowning with her as well. 

Coming up for air, Shuhua breathed out, “I love you,” letting the confession flow freely in the flood they made together. 

Believing the truthfulness from Shuhua's words, Miyeon couldn't help to return the same sentiment, “I love you too.” She pulled Shuhua into a quick kiss again before saying, “Please, don't run away again.”

Shuhua smiled, looking up at Miyeon (and maintained eye contact for longer than two seconds). “I won't, I promise.”

And it was definitely a promise, Shuhua keeps.

**Author's Note:**

> a special thanks to my gf (a devoted sooshu shipper) for supporting me and my undying love for mishu


End file.
